I am an asshole

Reading this title, I am sure most of you would give a sarcastic smile and say stuff like, "Of course, didn't you get the memo" or "Good that you realized it now" or even "I always wanted to tell you so, but I was afraid to hurt your feelings". But it's true, I am and its become apparent the last couple of days.

Now its compre time, and lots of hearts will be broken, lots of tubelights will be properly field tested and many books will receive a battering like they never have the whole semester. During this time, psentsemite that I am, I will be busy filling up my 1TB harddisc and mostly giggling mockingly at anything resembling a non-psentisemite. And to make up for this, I will blog for you. Why? To cheer you up, and what better way to cheer someone up than to show him someone else's misery. Its human mentality, we revel in others' misery. So here goes,

It is common knowledge now, that I have bought myself a 1TB external harddisc. If I haven't, just stare at me for over 3 minutes, the topic is bound to come up. I am, to be modest, very proud of it. Because I have just graduated from a measly one bedded 40GB apartment in suburban Jhoomri Talaiyya to a posh multistoreyed Mukesh Ambani's 1TB residential locality.

But life is a great leveller, and I guess God wished to punish me for all the crap I threw on A7 ites. I get it now man, even God is biased, he likes CompSci, thats fne with me. No hard feelings.

After I opened the gleeming new Western Digital, 1TB MY BOOK, it stood before me in all its glory, and I just didn't have the heart to plug it in my slightly virus infested laptop. So my heart expressed an interest to format it to remove all malware, and freshly install Windows XP.

Mistake number 1. There is no such thing as a non-virus infested Windows running laptop, because its part of a law Newton thought unnecessary to pen down. Everyone knows that, I do to, now...

So gleefully I went from room to room knocking on doors asking for a Windows XP CD. When I started it was a cheerful, "Yaar XP ki CD hai kya". That went to, "Oye XP CD de be"... and finally to "BC XP ki CD de nahin to comp oopar se phenk doonga". And it worked.

Mistake number 2: God loves A7 and by being rude to some of his mistresses, I upset him.

So just like a nice sweet boy, all pure, who's never done anything wrong, who thinks that he's done nothing to upset the almighty I inserted the XP CD and rebooted. A little blue screen, a little formatting, a little sweet noise from my hard disc and a new fresh Windows installed on my sweet little COMPAQ.

I recollected what the next step in the manual was, and remembered that I needed drivers. Hehe, I know what you must be thinking, "Hehe, this dickhead didn't save them before formatting". Well, stop smiling, you're wrong about the saving but the dickhead thing is right on target. I saved them on a pendrive. Now you can smile.

Now most people, would think yeh saala pendrive bade computer ka kya hila lega, but to be crude, bahut kuch. Pendrive laga nahin, ki mere pyare virgin lappy ki maa, behen, biwi, bacche, chachi, dadi, nani, sab saath mein..... chhud gaye. Phuck ho gaya mere saath.

Sab try kar liya, kuchh nahin hila paaya. Jab wing ke A7 waalon ko bataya, sab hanse, koi advice nahin, kuchh nahin, bas saale hanse. I stomped back to my room, having resolved not to give up.

Mistake No. 3, Jab kuchh karne ki aukaat na ho, lite lo, give up kar do.

So I repeat the whole process, this time I am smart. I ask for the best antivirus. Norton 2007, Vista Compatible, I am told. So I take the same pendrive, scan it on a friend's comp, to remove the half kilogram of malware on it, (never seen an antivirus so active, every nanosecond there was a pop-up). Put the antivus setup into it and reboot to reformat. I do every thing right, every bloody fucking thing, and guess what it comes out fine. Happily, I hum to myself, as I start filling up my 1TB. Piece of cake I tell myself :) I put DC on a trillion things, and go to sleep.

Next morning, I get a message, "Your Norton AntiVirus is not validated, uninstall then reinstall". I had half a mind to call a friend, but I could take care of this myself.

Mistake 4, listen to your mind, whatever fraction of it. >= 0.5 is good enough.

So I do as it says, and another story unfolds. Needless to say, if I had any pull-outable hair, I would have pulled them all out. I go around looking for another XP CD, maybe the CD was corrupt. Going through the rounds again, I see that it's not just my lappy, but a plague, all the comps were getting screwed, GENOCIDE.

Finally I get one XP CD, which is even more corrupt than Bihari MP. Then someone tells me that there's a hermit in new wing, all wise and sagacious, with an uncorrupt CD. I go to him, head bowed down, kneeling before him, and the generous all knowing one, bestowed upon me a simple moserbaer CD. Then I realised, there is no secret ingredient, it is all within you.

I insert, reboot and reinstall, feeling and believing from within that this CD will work fine. It worked fine, and I am joyous. On my way to the all knowing one, I overhear someone saying Linux is the best, no malware, no shit, and you can have both Windows and Linux together. I enquired with the all knowing one and he nodded.

Mistake no 5: There is no all knowing, everyone's a hoax. every fucking one.

So I borrow a Linux CD, it was all read and had ubuntu written over it. It looked like a silly little game CD. But I did as I was told. And it was done, I felt joyed, overjoyed even. I restart and what do I see, XP is re-fucked. This time there is no anger, no frustration, only tears. O God, what sins have I done in my previous life. Certainly in this short 20 year lifespan, nobody could have committed such heinous crimes as to deserve this.

Slowly the tears turn to resolve, and I go back anf grab the XP CD, show the middle finger to many confused faces on the way back, and insert, reboot and reinstall.

Mistake no.?? Lite, I lost count. I'd like to quote the alchemist, when you are getting screwed and you fight back, all the universe conspires in helping to teach you a lesson.

Most readers would have given up now, saying, "C'mon he can't screw up this time", but as the title says, I am an asshole. If I had to guess how I could screw up this time, you'd get a treat at ANC(sorry guys low on budget). I installed Windows on D drive, the drive where ubuntu was installed. So now I have 2 drives with Windows XP, one corrupt the other about to be.

Epilogue:

My Computer hard disc has been screwed so hard, so bad, so many times over, that whenever it gets a little, I just kiss the monitor and say, "There, there"

All the XP CDs have been rightfully returned to their owners, the corrupt ones with a skull and crossbones sign on it.

My wingies laugh at me like they were being paid to.

My external hard disc is with Kattu to fill. Apparently he's never had viruses on his computer. Ohh.. if I could just strangle him.

I can't look at myself in the mirror. I am now running XP at the lowest possible brightness, colour...basically everything is at its lowest. Am back to living in my measly 40GB single bedded shack.

The all knowing one doesn't really exist. I just made him up. HEHE.. fooled you!!

Somewhere between those formats, there was even a time my LAN wasn't working, and obb I thought it was a virus. So I reformatted and thinking that my MAC was blocked I went to IPC , only to realize that it wasn't, I returned home to a perfectly working MAC. So to reiterate,

When you are getting screwed and you fight back, all the universe conspires, even people who have no business with you otherwise, in helping to teach you a lesson, by srewing you over again. Like the rebirth and salvation concept.

Lite ra... way too much for today. I won't wish you yest of luck for comprees, 'coz if yo have the time to reach here, either you don't need luck, or you don't give a f**k.