Throughout our lives, we undergo sorrow, misery, pain, joy by the actions of others. Most of these people are part of our lives, and we of theirs, hence we can have the pleasure and satisfaction of paying them back :) hehe, didn't that just make you feel better. It certainly made me.
We can talk back, hit back, argue, play a prank, make elaborate plans with levers & pulleys, and saws & rods so the person involved dies a slow painful death as we sit back and revel in their misery or simply say something... anything to their boy/girlfriends... all arranged in increasing order of suffering caused.
However with movie stars, talk show hosts, sportsmen, politicians, terrorists, Bangalorean auto drivers and pretty women, we lack a means to reciprocate. This is because, either we never get a chance to meet them or they hold so much power over us, that given a meeting we are unable to reply thinking straight.
So here's my list of things I'd like to tell these people, given an opportunity. Of course, if I ever do meet them, I will deny all knowledge of this blog's existence and probably feign MPD, with my alternate personality being an awesome, articulate, handsome writer whose writing skills were so ahead of his time that nobody really gave a damn about it. But for now, here goes:
Sachin Tendulkar: Please be immortal, please please pleeeeeeeeeez
Anu Malik: Dude, I don't know if anyone hasn't told you this, but seriously, most underage kids get nightmares of you singing. Music pe dhyaan de. Kya hua agar Pritam ne Indonesia pakad li, aur bhi bahut hain. Dekh kitna aage chala gaya woh.
Himesh: This is probably what everyone tells you, but I need to add one more drop into the ocean. You're a ridiculously and frighteningly bad singer/actor trapped in a quite talented music director's body. Please resist.
Sidhu: Yaar, please tell me Angrezi kahaan se seekhi. I'll stop spreading Sardarji jokes, even laughing at them.
Pritam: Oye, lyrics bhi same rakh leta. Kitni Mehnat bach jayegi.
That sweet thing in the corner cubicle: Hi... errr... maybe someday... movie.... Damn it, I can't even type clearly.
Amitabh Bachchan: Yaar kuch to chod de, is umr mein condom ki ad bhi karega kya ab!!
Mugabe: You little black !@#$%^
Sonu Niigaam: Baap ka naam roshan karna hota hai, badal na nahin. Aur yeh kya huliya bana rakha hai. Bachhe isiliye achha nahin gaate Little Champs pe, dare jo rehta hain.
Yuvraj Singh: !@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*() saala. Aur mota ho ja, fir Revital ki ad shoot pe jaana.
All Hollywood Actresses: Two things, one - never be seen without make-up, I know it's fake, that's how we like it. Two - once make-up stops doing the trick, please never be seen publicly, brings weird memories!
Shah rukh/Salman/Aamir Khan: We all know there's actually no enmity between you, stop pretending, you're not fooling anyone. Khan ke naam pe kaise kaise chhichore aa rahe hain industry mein. Imran, Arbaaz, Sohail, Zayed... bas naam mein Khan hai, to log jaante hain. Inhe bhagao, apni izzat bachao.
Manmohan Singh: You're doing a great job sir, ignore the buffoons. Anyone who still thinks the Sonia-Manmohan jokes are funny, are not worth your time.
Contestants(especially minors) of singing 'talent' shows: Yaar, tumhara kuchh nahin hoga. Finale/Final/Hyper final wagairah, jab khatam; koi SMS nahin karne waala. Sab cartoon, saas bahu shit, ya Emotional Atyachaar dekhne lagenge. Arre! Abhijit Sawant ko hi dekh lo.
Prince of Nigeria with a million dollar legacy: Dude, no one believes you. Stop spamming my inbox.
Sania Mirza: Please tell me, you didn't actually think that you made the news for your tennis!
Nadal: Stop biting trophies, it's disgusting! You're not a kid anymore.
Sharapova: Do you scream just like that when you're.... you know, stressed or excited??
Osama/Obama: Long time since you made any news guys. Shake it up a little, whatsay??
M Night Shyamalan: From 'The Sixth Sense' to 'The Last Airbender', your standards have fallen sharper than property rates in the US(it's very useful to use such cryptic similes from the recession; if anyone questions, I can just give them the 'dude, don't you know anything' look)
Mark Zuckerberg: I bow to thee, o most powerful man on earth...
Steve Jobs: Apple, seriously, Apple. Why? I love your stuff...but Apple??
Neil Armstrong: Tell me honestly, I want to hear it from you...
We can talk back, hit back, argue, play a prank, make elaborate plans with levers & pulleys, and saws & rods so the person involved dies a slow painful death as we sit back and revel in their misery or simply say something... anything to their boy/girlfriends... all arranged in increasing order of suffering caused.
However with movie stars, talk show hosts, sportsmen, politicians, terrorists, Bangalorean auto drivers and pretty women, we lack a means to reciprocate. This is because, either we never get a chance to meet them or they hold so much power over us, that given a meeting we are unable to reply thinking straight.
So here's my list of things I'd like to tell these people, given an opportunity. Of course, if I ever do meet them, I will deny all knowledge of this blog's existence and probably feign MPD, with my alternate personality being an awesome, articulate, handsome writer whose writing skills were so ahead of his time that nobody really gave a damn about it. But for now, here goes:
Sachin Tendulkar: Please be immortal, please please pleeeeeeeeeez
Anu Malik: Dude, I don't know if anyone hasn't told you this, but seriously, most underage kids get nightmares of you singing. Music pe dhyaan de. Kya hua agar Pritam ne Indonesia pakad li, aur bhi bahut hain. Dekh kitna aage chala gaya woh.
Himesh: This is probably what everyone tells you, but I need to add one more drop into the ocean. You're a ridiculously and frighteningly bad singer/actor trapped in a quite talented music director's body. Please resist.
Sidhu: Yaar, please tell me Angrezi kahaan se seekhi. I'll stop spreading Sardarji jokes, even laughing at them.
Pritam: Oye, lyrics bhi same rakh leta. Kitni Mehnat bach jayegi.
That sweet thing in the corner cubicle: Hi... errr... maybe someday... movie.... Damn it, I can't even type clearly.
Amitabh Bachchan: Yaar kuch to chod de, is umr mein condom ki ad bhi karega kya ab!!
Mugabe: You little black !@#$%^
Sonu Niigaam: Baap ka naam roshan karna hota hai, badal na nahin. Aur yeh kya huliya bana rakha hai. Bachhe isiliye achha nahin gaate Little Champs pe, dare jo rehta hain.
Yuvraj Singh: !@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*() saala. Aur mota ho ja, fir Revital ki ad shoot pe jaana.
All Hollywood Actresses: Two things, one - never be seen without make-up, I know it's fake, that's how we like it. Two - once make-up stops doing the trick, please never be seen publicly, brings weird memories!
Shah rukh/Salman/Aamir Khan: We all know there's actually no enmity between you, stop pretending, you're not fooling anyone. Khan ke naam pe kaise kaise chhichore aa rahe hain industry mein. Imran, Arbaaz, Sohail, Zayed... bas naam mein Khan hai, to log jaante hain. Inhe bhagao, apni izzat bachao.
Manmohan Singh: You're doing a great job sir, ignore the buffoons. Anyone who still thinks the Sonia-Manmohan jokes are funny, are not worth your time.
Contestants(especially minors) of singing 'talent' shows: Yaar, tumhara kuchh nahin hoga. Finale/Final/Hyper final wagairah, jab khatam; koi SMS nahin karne waala. Sab cartoon, saas bahu shit, ya Emotional Atyachaar dekhne lagenge. Arre! Abhijit Sawant ko hi dekh lo.
Prince of Nigeria with a million dollar legacy: Dude, no one believes you. Stop spamming my inbox.
Sania Mirza: Please tell me, you didn't actually think that you made the news for your tennis!
Nadal: Stop biting trophies, it's disgusting! You're not a kid anymore.
Sharapova: Do you scream just like that when you're.... you know, stressed or excited??
Osama/Obama: Long time since you made any news guys. Shake it up a little, whatsay??
M Night Shyamalan: From 'The Sixth Sense' to 'The Last Airbender', your standards have fallen sharper than property rates in the US(it's very useful to use such cryptic similes from the recession; if anyone questions, I can just give them the 'dude, don't you know anything' look)
Mark Zuckerberg: I bow to thee, o most powerful man on earth...
Steve Jobs: Apple, seriously, Apple. Why? I love your stuff...but Apple??
Neil Armstrong: Tell me honestly, I want to hear it from you...
