Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Da Bangalooru

Ever since I first got my hand on e-mail, I have first enjoyed, been amazed by then pissed and irritated by, and lastly downright wait-till-I-get-my-hands-on-you by forwards. Having had several e-mail addresses and being an ardent 'checker' of my e-mail and a writer too, I think I would have read about every girl mutilated by accident, every bad luck bringing mouse pad, every blood marrow needing husband and every 5-year old having a rare heart dysfunction. I used to fall for the financial ones, those that say that Bill Gates would pay one cent for every mail I am responsible for, HAHA those were good ones, but not any more. :) At least not the old ones. The jokes were always awesome (I guess a lot of sardarjis would beg to differ) and since a long time I wanted to write one of those satirical sarcastic sardonic sets of jokes. And I seriosuly can't remember one about Bangalore, so here goes. Please remember to laugh out loud, giggle, or at least smile after each one, you'll have good luck for the rest of the day.

Describe Bangalore:
A giant red-light area*(you seriously need to look down for this asterix) sprinkled with IT companies and malls(3 malls per IT company), with more vehicles per unit area than bees on a hive, centered around Koramangala('coz that's where I live) with the black Koramangala ki nalli meandering through it.

Describe a typical Bangalorean:
He (sorry for being sexist), fine I'll call him/her 'it'. It is in IT, well-dressed, thoroughly confounded not by its family life(which is non-existant), not by its friends(they're always inebriated and thus forgetful when they meet), not by it's boss(coz bosses talk and the only conversation it's had is over gtalk), not by it's uselessness to the cosmos (the periodic inebritaion with friends solves this, and anyways it's too busy coding to notice) but by his colleagues' pay check. It knows its regional language fluently but will still fail miserably at trying to speak passable English, though it's good at talking in C. It thinks that Bangalore is centered around the building of its residence :) , that Hyderabad is just another village(in a bad sense), that Bangalore is an awesome village(in a good sense) , that his engineering degree taught it nothing worthwhile and all of Bangalore's problems would be solved by the metro.

What do you hear in Bangalore, if you listem carefully?
Mostly honking, but if you listen carefully you'd hear an IT engineer scratching his head and noisily typing, improving code written by someone else in another company, in another country, getting paid 10 times more than him, with better job security.

What are the two choices that the Bangalorean faces?
To honk his car battery out of its life, rushing into every corner he sees trying to get home early or patiently wait and end up being late.

What is so curious about the above choice?
Every Bangalorean always chooses the former but gets the latter.

How pretty are the girls in Bangalore?
What? Where?.... HAHA trick question. :)

When do you know that a Bangalorean is lying?
When he says that he's getting enough money.

What is so awesome about the weather in Bangalore?
It's just awesome, it wouldn't be awesome if you needed a reason to call it awesome.

What 4-letter word does every Bangalorean hate?
HR (the rest are white spaces)

What is so good about Forum(the mall)?
Nothing, but nobody seems to notice or care.

What do you do when you find a Bangalorean colleague bleeding on the road, having had an accident?
Call HR and tell them, 'We need another one'.

Why is the suicide rate so low in Bangalore?
An unsigned integer can only hold so many values.

Why do I say that Bangalore is technologically advanced?
Because there are more mouses than mice.

What do the men and women in Bangalore have in common?
They both go 'eeek' when someone says pink.

What do you do if you want to make a Bangalorean go mad?
Trick question.

* the area around a junction when the light is red, or any other area where you have to stop for a jam. The union of these two encompasses all of Bangalore

... could've thought of more, but have training in another 5 minutes. Cya..

About Me

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I am Arjun P. Kamath, and I am a nice guy to know.