Sunday, March 23, 2014

The best movie ever

I have never been involved in the making of a movie, not even for a class project. Neither do I understand what goes into making a successful feature film. I also realize that everyone's taste in movies is different and there couldn't possibly be a formula for a good film, let alone an amazing one. The business is uber-competitive and uncertain and actors, producers, writers and visual effects directors have an excruciatingly difficult task already and don't need an inexperienced, conceited moron to tell them how to do their job. However, today I am going to be that moron. 

The main character would have the wit of Dr. Gregory House, the heart of Alan Shore, the charm of Tony Stark, the mystery of Omar Little, the coolness of Barney Stinson (I correctly believe that the word you expected me to use to describe Mr. Stinson is overused), the internal conflict of Batman and the brilliance of Marvin. This role would have to be played by a woman, because if a male character could possibly possess all these qualities believably, he would have had a hit show already. Her name would be Helen for no particular reason. 

Helen's good friend Rajesh, on whom she has a secret crush, would have the intolerability of Sheldon Cooper, the 'whatever it is that we like about him'-ness of Stewie Griffin, the sarcasm of Chandler Bing and the brute strength of Daya (this one's for the fans of CID, a 'hit' Indian show). The film wouldn't have any romance because that's too mainstream. Also no sex, because we have porn for that.

The villain would be a rich evil tyrant, born that way. No tragic past or lust for revenge, just greedy and cold-blooded by birth. He's totally powerful but apathetic and yearns for a challenge.

There would be prophesy predicting that a young boy from the farmlands of China would someday put an end to the tyranny of the aforementioned rich evil tyrant. Unfortunately this boy is born with a deadly disease and passes away before his fourth birthday.

The movie would have plenty of '...that's what she said' jokes because it would have to be timeless and those jokes never get old. The rest of the jokes would be written by Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld and George Carlin. No Russel Peters please... he's racist.  

There would be enough gore to make 300 look like a children's movie and enough action to make Kill Bill seem like a romantic comedy. There would be some transformers too because everyone likes them. I'd throw in some werewolves and vampires too... the ones who wear clothes and don't cry every 10 minutes. 

There you have it! The ingredients for the perfectly successful film. It's got to be successful. It has all the ingredients. I'd even hire the best authors to write the script because I don't want to wait for the novel from which to make my film.

This film would suck because it tries too hard to be a good. It believes that putting things together that are known to be good guarantees success. Making a movie is like cooking. You may have the best ingredients and follow the recipe perfectly and you may still end up with a mediocre dish. Occasionally the ingredients may carry the dish or the recipe might be honed and perfected over 10 generations, but a great dish requires a great cook. A cook who can improvise and prioritize, who takes failure in his stride and knows when to let go of his creation and yet one who doesn't give up easily. Not surprisingly as things go, even great cooks have bad days.

A movie is like a dish. So is life!

PS: I don't watch Game of Thrones... yet!

About Me

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I am Arjun P. Kamath, and I am a nice guy to know.