Monday, August 30, 2010

Things I'd like to say...

Throughout our lives, we undergo sorrow, misery, pain, joy by the actions of others. Most of these people are part of our lives, and we of theirs, hence we can have the pleasure and satisfaction of paying them back :) hehe, didn't that just make you feel better. It certainly made me.

We can talk back, hit back, argue, play a prank, make elaborate plans with levers & pulleys, and saws & rods so the person involved dies a slow painful death as we sit back and revel in their misery or simply say something... anything to their boy/girlfriends... all arranged in increasing order of suffering caused.

However with movie stars, talk show hosts, sportsmen, politicians, terrorists, Bangalorean auto drivers and pretty women, we lack a means to reciprocate. This is because, either we never get a chance to meet them or they hold so much power over us, that given a meeting we are unable to reply thinking straight.

So here's my list of things I'd like to tell these people, given an opportunity. Of course, if I ever do meet them, I will deny all knowledge of this blog's existence and probably feign MPD, with my alternate personality being an awesome, articulate, handsome writer whose writing skills were so ahead of his time that nobody really gave a damn about it. But for now, here goes:

Sachin Tendulkar: Please be immortal, please please pleeeeeeeeeez

Anu Malik: Dude, I don't know if anyone hasn't told you this, but seriously, most underage kids get nightmares of you singing. Music pe dhyaan de. Kya hua agar Pritam ne Indonesia pakad li, aur bhi bahut hain. Dekh kitna aage chala gaya woh.

Himesh: This is probably what everyone tells you, but I need to add one more drop into the ocean. You're a ridiculously and frighteningly bad singer/actor trapped in a quite talented music director's body. Please resist.

Sidhu: Yaar, please tell me Angrezi kahaan se seekhi. I'll stop spreading Sardarji jokes, even laughing at them.

Pritam: Oye, lyrics bhi same rakh leta. Kitni Mehnat bach jayegi.

That sweet thing in the corner cubicle: Hi... errr... maybe someday... movie.... Damn it, I can't even type clearly.

Amitabh Bachchan: Yaar kuch to chod de, is umr mein condom ki ad bhi karega kya ab!!

Mugabe: You little black !@#$%^

Sonu Niigaam: Baap ka naam roshan karna hota hai, badal na nahin. Aur yeh kya huliya bana rakha hai. Bachhe isiliye achha nahin gaate Little Champs pe, dare jo rehta hain.

Yuvraj Singh: !@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*() saala. Aur mota ho ja, fir Revital ki ad shoot pe jaana.

All Hollywood Actresses: Two things, one - never be seen without make-up, I know it's fake, that's how we like it. Two - once make-up stops doing the trick, please never be seen publicly, brings weird memories!

Shah rukh/Salman/Aamir Khan: We all know there's actually no enmity between you, stop pretending, you're not fooling anyone. Khan ke naam pe kaise kaise chhichore aa rahe hain industry mein. Imran, Arbaaz, Sohail, Zayed... bas naam mein Khan hai, to log jaante hain. Inhe bhagao, apni izzat bachao.

Manmohan Singh: You're doing a great job sir, ignore the buffoons. Anyone who still thinks the Sonia-Manmohan jokes are funny, are not worth your time.

Contestants(especially minors) of singing 'talent' shows: Yaar, tumhara kuchh nahin hoga. Finale/Final/Hyper final wagairah, jab khatam; koi SMS nahin karne waala. Sab cartoon, saas bahu shit, ya Emotional Atyachaar dekhne lagenge. Arre! Abhijit Sawant ko hi dekh lo.

Prince of Nigeria with a million dollar legacy: Dude, no one believes you. Stop spamming my inbox.

Sania Mirza: Please tell me, you didn't actually think that you made the news for your tennis!

Nadal: Stop biting trophies, it's disgusting! You're not a kid anymore.

Sharapova: Do you scream just like that when you're.... you know, stressed or excited??

Osama/Obama: Long time since you made any news guys. Shake it up a little, whatsay??

M Night Shyamalan: From 'The Sixth Sense' to 'The Last Airbender', your standards have fallen sharper than property rates in the US(it's very useful to use such cryptic similes from the recession; if anyone questions, I can just give them the 'dude, don't you know anything' look)

Mark Zuckerberg: I bow to thee, o most powerful man on earth...

Steve Jobs: Apple, seriously, Apple. Why? I love your stuff...but Apple??

Neil Armstrong: Tell me honestly, I want to hear it from you...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Urban Stampede 2010

Experts will tell you that a day before the run is very important. You need to have good sleep, drink plentifully and have a light breakfast. Hence the night before my 5km run, I didn't sleep(who can possibly awake at 5am), ate chicken masala for dinner(protein dude) and 2 pegs of Whyte & Mackay(a little alcohol never hurts and is actually shown to be helpful). Thus armed, I walked to my pick up spot where my team mate, a freakish cyclist picked me up, who btw forgot his running shoes.

We reached in time, unlike last year where we reached the venue after the race began and still beat a whole lot of teams(shows how raring we were to win and how fit most Bangalore professionals are). The turnout was humongous, every Nike marketing professional's dream come true. The run as such wasn't so eventful. I mean yeah, there was a close finish and BIAL clinched victory from Toyota, but this wasn't exactly a race. It was only the first timers and really experienced ones who actually asked about timings, the rest (and most) were smiling like they had just had whiskey diluted with liquified laughing gas(like that makes any sense)

Those who usually wouldn't press another key without a raise were actually paying to get their asses kicked, and that too by themselves, awaking at ungodly hours and driving 20 miles away from the city. Weird people we runners are! Crazy, I tell you.

My team did quite well, timings aren't out and I don't really care (impatiently checks the organisers' website for the umpteenth time) This particular event is important to me, as it marked my real foray into this self-imposed ass kicking last year, since which I really took this up as a real hobby. Lots of realisms here. My grammar teacher wouldn't be impressed, but I'm sure my PT teacher would probably be full of glee.

For the uninspired, running events are usually good places to engage in bird-watching. Very fine plumage. I tell you. However, when the prettiest of .. ahem... birds runs past you without even a glance, doesn't really make you feel more masculine.

The event got over, we had brunch, had our pictures taken by a wildlife photographer, the car broke down in the middle of nowhere 20 metres away from a Punchur shop, that repaired all tipes of punctures, sorry.. punchurs. I reached home, had a bath and woke up 6 hours later with a stiff nick, an aching butt, dislocated collarbone(not really but I wasn't getting the third symptom*) and played tennis for an hour. Crazy, I tell you.

* there are always three of anything, ALWAYS.

Friday, July 23, 2010

A year of work-ex

I hate it when bloggers ignore their blogging pursuits, for whatever reasons personal, academic or professional, and then apologise and try to justify or reason out their absense. C'mon guys this is a blog. Just try saying 'blog' or 'blogging' to yourself a dozen times and see how stupid and nonsensical it sounds. It almost reminds you of something coming out of an elephant's ear. So take it cool people, its totally fine. Right guys(fingers crossed, hope you agree)

So coming to the point.... whatA joke, like a blog can actually have a point... HAHAHA, sometimes I just wonder where all this awesome abundant humour comes fr.... never mind (sorry... I can almost feel the angry stares). Yeah, so it's been a year since I started my journey to climb the rungs of the corporate ladder (I love using these words, 'corporate' and 'ladder', they make it sound like you're talking something important) and whatever you may say, it does things to you. I mean, there should be a reason it's a ladder and not the stairs or an escalator, right? As oppposed to the hallways we talk about in academics, or corridors (this is for old corporate people who don't really care for metaphors but have loads of cash to justify their words) I prefer turnstile - running round in circles, going somewhere but getting no where.

Looking back on the year that passed, some things change while others stay the same, but in queer peculiar ways. In a sentence, both times you're getting screwed, but cash flow changes direction. Then there is the topic of viewership of the opposite sex, I mean girls in technology companies are just so damn lucky in this regard... especially the ones in my company. Dammit yaar, shayad medical lena hi sahi rehta.

Another thing is the sudden love for your college or any healthy/social cause. The reason?? Bahane mil jaata hai na kuch substantial na karne ka. Ek ad kya aayi tiger bachane waali, sab join kar liye chant karne, 1411 left, 1411 left. Do din ke liye redi kya band hui, facebook pe dhawa bol diya. Kuch karte kyon nahin? Yaar office se fursat kahaan milti hai? Yaar cricke khelna hai, gym jaana hai, but saala time nahin nikaal pata. (For those who can't understand this Hindi, suffice to say it's a critical comment of people's uselessness and self-satisfaction on clicking some 'like' button... another blog post will follow)

In university, you're usually staring at blank faded walls or poring over notice boards, while here you have huge posters of pretty smiling girls(saala poori company chhaan maari, but kahin dikhi hi nahin) and big words like innovation, passion, glory, commitment written here and there. I guess it's the management folk trying their best to convince us that money isn't everything. Hope they succeed, for everyone's sake. Talking of pretty girls, I know a lot of yet-to-graduate engineers are going to be disappointed, but I have to tell you this. HR girls are not all pretty.(Did I just hear someone drop to the floor?) It's one of those conspiracy theories invented to keep you in line.

Then there's the comparisons. In college you compare you CGPA, while in work it's your pay cheques. In college you compare your degree/discipline, in office you compare your pay cheque. In college, the latest book you read, or your latest crush, at work, pay cheque. In college, your clothes, your boyfriend/ girlfriend, at work, your pay cheque. Also money becomes important, but I guess I should not talk about it.

I can't yet comment on friendships, because A. It's just been a year B. I am in Bangalore for Christ's sake, how can you not be in touch when you keep bumping into each other C. I have great friends... no pun, no sarcasm here.

Insecurities, hopes, self-realisations all remain there. Just that you realise that a good education isn't everything, or rather nothing at all. It's all you. After engineering, you reach a point in your life that you make ALL the decisions in your life. You and you alone. I know people rant about having chosen the stream that they wanted, going to the college that they wanted, but it's all bullshit. Here, I do not conform with the corporate jungle, every man for himself (woman too) theory, where you need to trample on others to get ahead. I actually feel office life is far easier than college(feel free to differ). What I mean is, it's your life now? You no longer call parents to ask, you call them to tell. The money coming out of the ATM is your money (hard-earned or not is difficult to answer) but it's yours. Therein lies the biggest change.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Green Man

On my way home from office listening to 94.3 Radio One, maximum Music fataphat, music fataphat, between Ghanta Singh's rantings and ads of Reliance's anniversary sales... as I sat stupefied, mystified and mesmerised by the sheer stupidity of Bangalore's public, who'd rather trample over another human than reach home a quarter of a second later, a thought entered my mind. What do we need here?

By the time the Metro finishes Bangalore's population would anyway have increased making it obsolete, wider roads would mean half of Bangalore would be living on the street, and better traffic sense.. HAA... why don't we just wish for a flying carpet or... a time machine or maybe more understanding managers or... better yet that people like Shahid Kapoor be wiped off the face of the earth.

No, what we need is a super hero. One who can save us from ourselves, one who will have great power and great responsibility, who will show us that the human spirit can beat all odds, one who will teach us to be strong in the face of adversity and intolerant towards all evil.

Gotham has Batman, because it's villains ruled the night, Spiderman lives in NY where there are tall buildings from him to dangle from and Superman is... sorry the movie cryptonited his girly ass, let's wait for the next movie and then comment. Bangalore's hero will be Green Man, and will work 8 to 9(when the traffic villains are at their peak)

Picture this... You're on you way home on Friday and a quarter of your weekend is about to be spent waiting for the green light at Brigade or Trinity, and all of a sudden you feel a tingle in the air and look up to the sky. Is it a plane, is it a bird, is it a greenhouse activist??? no it's Greenman to the rescue(dam da da da dum... tada dada dada)

He shakes hands with the Traffic policeman, 'I'll handle it from here' and in super Bruce Almighty style just sweeps all the traffic off your path; the girls go wild, mothers have tears in their eyes and kids are... well still begging while Red man(what else did you think the villain's name would be) gesticulating in agony, 'Oh! you f%$^ing little bi%^ch, I'll get you next time'

If there's a truck driver who honks like he gets paid for it, Green man will just pick up his truck and scuttle it into the Bellandur lake(GRE wordlist#45) and if there's a cement truck taking a u-turn in a tiny lane, blocking the whole junction, he'll just blow it up. HAHAHA!!

His sidekick Yellow man(plzz tell me this doesn't surprise you) and sweetheart 'Clear way' help him foil the evil masteminds like Blowjam, Puncture and Road dust. Maybe I could even write some comic series about it and then sell it right for loads of money and fame. Naah! I may just get chetanned!

To be chetanned: to be made a fool of publicly for undervaluing one's own assets and then having the contract proclaiming your obtuseness shoved into your face. n. chetan

About Me

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I am Arjun P. Kamath, and I am a nice guy to know.